There are so many things that I want to do but I can't seem to do anything about it. I have spent so many years depressed that I have forgotten how to "take chances, get messy, and make mistakes" (Ms. Frizzle -- The Magic Schoolbus). I was never particularly brave before my depression hit, but now it is worse.
I honestly feel like I am entering a midlife crisis. I'm only 38, but I feel like I gotten old. I know that I'm not, but I don't feel like a kid anymore. I married and had my first child way too young. He will be graduating from high school in a few months. Maybe that's it. We also have a surprise 6 month old. Maybe that's it. Or, maybe I'm just a wimp.
I am so envious of people who are able to go after what they want, even when they're scared. I am that coward who dies a thousands deaths and I don't know how to be otherwise. My son (the senior) loves acting. He has been in every school play and musical he has been able to fit in his schedule (all but 2). He can carry a tune and has a nice singing voice, but is not a spectacular singer; yet he will get up in front of a group of people -- including many PHENOMENAL singers -- and sing to audition for the musicals. He hopes to get a principle part each time, but doesn't because there are many kids who sing much better than he does. No matter what part he gets, he is always thrilled.
This year they are doing Suessical. He made callbacks to audition for the Grinch. He didn't get that part, but is in two choruses and plays Vlad Vladichoff. Additionally he is Student Director. He called me from school the morning the parts were posted and was absolutely thrilled by the parts he got. And it wasn't just that he is one of the student directors, which he had been for a play in the fall. He was thrilled about the parts! I so admire him. It is amazing to me that he has the courage to audition and then is thrilled with whatever he gets.
I wish I was more like him. Instead, I feel like I am afraid to live my life. I think part of my problem is that I have this need to figure out exactly how I need to do something before I do it. Maybe if I could just figure out how to get started, I could find some of that joy I've been sent here to experience.
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I enjoy your honesty and willingness to share you're feelings. There's a brash, abrupt, sacred and crass at the same time non-fiction Christian writer that you may like. She's an advocate for messes and writes about how the Saviour heals her daily. I think she'll be right up your alley. She's not bookcraft or deseret material, but she's perfect! Her name's 'Anne Lamott'
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